dude i'm inner monologue high
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
