You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
