I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
