i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
