I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
