I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
