I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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