just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
