I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
