I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
