I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
