1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just high enough for therapy.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
