don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
