why didn't you poke me back
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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