She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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