Yo dont text me then not text me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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