the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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