she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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