Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
