i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
