apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
