Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm bleeding and have questions
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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