Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
