Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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