From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
