I think I died a long time ago.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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