A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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