I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
