Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize