remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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