I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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