He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
