guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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