just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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