Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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