I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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