I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
