I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
