my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
