I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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