if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
