Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
