I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
