hotel room ftw
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize