I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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