Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
