hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
