I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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