someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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