You smell like a Billy Joel song
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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