If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
