We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Let's paint friendship bongs
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
