that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
