Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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