You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
