so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
