I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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