I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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