drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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