i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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