an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
