very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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