I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
