I accidentally burped into my bong.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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