no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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