did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
